you decide your story

Do you ever look back on your life, wondering how different things would have turned out if you changed one decision. 
Lately, I cannot stop this chain of thoughts. It is not so much of a regret as it is a mystery.
For instance, I had almost moved to New York City when I was just turning 18 to attend cosmetology. Had I done that, maybe I would be living in Ireland working in some village or on a cruise line in the Caribbean braiding away my days. I might be living in open community apartment with a righteous Woodstock vibe, but there is always the option I could be in rehab for getting into hard drugs with the heavy exposure of the inner city life.
What if I had chosen to go to Honduras instead of Malaysia. Then I might have been gone for a year instead of three months. Which, that is huge in itself.
Think. If you were gone from your family and entire life for nine months, starting a new life thousands of miles from where anyone knows your favorite color.

Another thought.
What about the small decisions.
Referencing: 500 Days of Summer, when Zooey Deschanel comments about how it was meant to be that she was sitting in that deli, reading Dori Gray, because the man that came up to ask her about it, ended up becoming her husband.
Some times in life, I have found it to be the small decisions to have large impacts.
Maybe going to Target one evening, could impact your life by running into a long lost companion and reconnecting those old ties.
It could be that decision to not wear your seat belt. To speed. To drink.
Sometimes it is just a second difference that decides our fate.

We are all full of these decisions, major or minor ones, these are what make up each of our stories. 
There is only purpose in focusing on our future decisions and not judging others for their previous ones.

Yes, I could in another life be on the other side of the world braiding hair but that is not so. In fact, here I sit in small town bible belt America at the age of twenty. Writing on a blog, and slowly working my way through school.
It is hard for me to focus on school, when all I see is the world around me. I merely want to run with the wind. Go here and there, meet people and learn from their stories. Give my efforts to the people of the world, help build shelters and heart-felt bonds.
I grow the most from hands on experience. Putting faces, names, and stories to any task or place help me soak in the information. I am one of those people that when I see something done, I can typically repeat it. However, if you stood in front of me and only told me how to do something, I would most likely struggle with the task. This is why I was never fond of school, but instead I love working.
Good news is, I have found a career path I am very fond of.
Bad news is, I do not care for college. I love to learn, do not misunderstand. I just do not enjoy waking up in the morning to go sit and listen to lectures while writing down whatever points I believe to be important.
I doodle.
I would be more fond of waking up in the morning and going to work. Give me a task. I will complete it. Whether that be to shuck corn, organize questionnaires, or clean out closets.
What ever happened to apprenticeships. I would have been quite content in those days. Except with my luck, I'd end up with some crazy job with little to no human interaction- such as a butter churner. I would find my days to be either sitting in a dark pantry or out on the plains by myself making pounds of butter for my family's bakery.
Any who.
As life goes, one must attain a skill or profession.
In today's society the options are trade schools, or college. Gotta pick one and get through it to pay for shelter and a warm dinner.
There is not any purpose in looking back, wondering what life would be like if I had chose differently.

There is purpose, however, in focusing on what you can achieve with commitment to the future. 

Your Decisions. Your Path. Your Future.

out of my hands

sigh.
so if you don't know already- which you should, and deepest apologies if somehow you were not informed- I canceled the contract with AFS while abroad in Malaysia, no not Mongolia as so many people seem to think. they were not fulfilling their end of the contract so I felt it only fair to end the deal. I am not okay with paying people to not do their job. I got into a legal battle, if you will.
things got real messy with my living situation(s), volunteer job, and relations with the company. once I canceled the contract that in turn canceled my visa... not part of my plan.
I was going to use the money I demanded they return and live off of it, planning more excursions and living arrangements.
however, with my visa being canceled I had a little less than a month to leave or be deported. the company was kind enough to give me about two weeks and said if I took that flight they would pay for my air fare. if I were to wait and stay for two additional weeks on my own penny, then the flight back would also be on me. so being the penny pinchin' nineteen year old that I am, but even more so I wasn't about to live on my own in southeast asia, a young white American teenage girl, without a plan, anyone to trust, or insurance of any kind. therefore I embraced my final days and took their free ticket to journey back to my homeland, the United States of America, safe and sound on April 19.
I had many mixed emotions with returning. to be honest, I slightly still do.
if the trip went as planned, then I would definitely still be there. or not necessarily exactly as planned. I needed: a home. security. a network of people to begin to trust and share with from day to day. I needed life.
it was out of my hands, but I cannot help but toy with the idea of -- what if it was not entirely out of my hands. maybe I made a few wrong moves, pulling out the wrong block collapsing my Malaysian adventure to topple.
the trip was beginning to be very unhealthy for me, but I managed to walk away growing from the experience. with the way my trip was turning out for me, I know coming home was what needed to happen. I have a bed. I have food. I have a roof over my head. I have somewhere to bathe. I have friends. but most importantly, I have family that loves me, and I love them back so very much.

there were a lot of firsts on the trip:
longest flight I've ever flown
getting out of America
staying in hostels
maneuvering around a country on my own
using public transportation
living out of my parent's home
asserting myself to the point of asking if I may move into an acquaintances' home
many new foods
being the minority in the entire country
simply surviving on my own
making a company shred their contract and give me a full refund (which in the contract states not a penny will be returned to the participant)

I didn't message for a long time because I either didn't have internet or I didn't want to write with a negative tone. which could then lead to y'all panicking back home, but not being able to reach me. then I didn't message right once I got back because I kind of hid from everyone for a while. I wasn't ready to explain to everyone over and over what happened. it breaks my heart that the trip fell through. I really cannot express how ecstatic I was about this trip. it's something I had dreamed about for years. someday I will go back to southeast asia. mark my words.
now I at least have some traveling experience. this was a learning experience one could not ask to receive.

internet pooted

argh.
well mates, i wrote a lovely note for y'all, as promised yesterday, then the internet farted and the note has now vanished..
so now i'm going to rest my head and try again tomorrow.
sweet dreams, to me.. question mark.

taking it as it comes

i am alive and well. apologies for not posting lately, i've gotten out of the swing of this blogging business. i'll work at posting more (:
so i work at kiwanis down syndrome foundation (KDSF), established september 1989. it is a school for children with down syndrome starting at the age of 2 months up to six years. the purpose is to prepare the children to attend public schools and equip them with basic skills for life and maximize their potential.
i work with the 5 & 6 year old class the most, but sometimes i assist with the 3 & 4 year old class. the students come monday through thursday at either a morning or afternoon session. each session is three hours long. the teachers (and i) arrive are expected to arrive at 8:30am and stay till 4:30pm. we have an hour lunch break at noon.
lunch: turns out my family doesn't have to provide lunch for me but luckily they have let me pack a lunch to help me save money. if i don't pack a lunch i can pay 5 ringgit for the school chef, uncle mike, to make me something (he typically makes some sort of noodles or rice- surprise surprise, that's what you always have here-- but you can request something a little more specific. ie fried rice or noodles with no beef. you can't get too specific). or some of the ladies go out for lunch, but most just buy from uncle mike monday through thursday. then on friday we all go out together to a restaurant.
the ladies that work there are so sweet! they are all so kind to me and i've made some friends. a few have even invited me out to eat, go shopping, or to travel with them on the weekend. i have only gone shopping so far. i am going to church, i believe?, tomorrow with one of the girls. then next weekend i have dinner plans with another lady to eat at an indian restaurant, banana leaf. a few of them leave on the weekends to go to their home towns and have invited me to come sometime. i really want to make that happen so i can see some villages and local beaches. fit in some malaysian site seeing on the weekends.

transportation: the house i am at currently has issues with this. which is why it is a temporary house for me. every day is a hassle trying to get to work and back. i should have been posting updates about that every day.. it's been eventful. so in order to go out i have to call a cab and that is very expensive. so i try and get rides as often as possible but all the people i know live on the opposite side of town. so i get rides half-ish way to shopping malls and then grab a cab.
cabs: they are not always safe. lots of times the driver is from indonesia and speaks very poor english, if any at all. they don't always know where places are (and i clearly can't give directions..). they don't always use the meter and will force you to pay more because i'm foreign. if you call one to come to you it is a two more ringgit. they tend to drive slow or take the long path and since i don't speak bahasa i can't argue or tell them anything.
so i stay around the house waiting to see what the parents are going to do.. most the time, it's nothing. or the dad will leave to golf and the mom will be at work. i miss having a car. luckily the house is very nice and i am comfortable here. i love my bed and own bathroom. i read, nap, watch movies, walk on the treadmill, journal, color.. yes i color (got a couple sheets from kiwanis).
this weekend: not too eventful. jeffery, my host brother, left for australia this morning. he is going there for a year and half to study. so now the parents are just relaxing around the house since it's been nuts preparing for him to leave over the past week. we did have a huge function monday night here at the house with probably a hundred people in attendance. hmm, i think i'll go to church tomorrow and then go out to the markets with the mom. this is said without certainty because i never truly know what is to come anymore. i only know what is happening about ten minutes in advance now-a-days. i might try and telephone of some afs student volunteers tonight to see about going to the cinema (as they call it).
 i don't want to post too much so that way you will actually bother reading.. at least i know when i see a long article i tend to skip it. i'd read more articles of shorter length than one long one. so i shall post tomorrow, promise.
also, no update still on a permanent family.. but it has been requested to send me letters to my work place so i figure that should be a-okay. address as follows:

Lot 13490, Jalan Jenjarum
Off Jalan SS23/1
Taman SEA
47400 Petaling Jaya, Selangor

kiwanis website: Kiwanis Down Syndrome Foundation

i'm learning this lesson currently:
i have no real control of what is to come.
my ways of constantly planning, feeling like i have a complete grasp on tomorrow, are vanishing. lately, the most of the future He allows me to know is what is coming in the next ten minutes. example: (i lay my head down at night not always knowing how i'll even get to work).
the Lord has a plan.
He is in control.
all i can do is be silent and listen. He will prepare you if you are obedient to His commands.
gotta have faith.
^^^i'm working on this ability/lifestyle. not easy for me. i love "having" control. i'll be honest.

keep praying!

xīn nián kuài lè

aka: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the chinese new year lasts a total of fifteen days.. yeah. no joke. quite the process.. someday i want to stay in hong kong or somewhere in china for the whole celebration. mark my words. it is truly fascinating. so much history.
lion dance! so i finally got to see a lion dance. this has to do with the chinese new year. i live with malays so i wasn't surrounded with chinese new year celebrations or information but they did inform me somewhat. so this is what i gathered: chinese families will hire a lion dance company to come to their home because the belief is that this blesses your home and wards off evil spirits. this is crucial to do when a family has recently moved into a new home.
botta boom botta' bang: that's why they have the drums and later in the night pop fire crackers. they are the noisy kind, not the big beautiful ones. (i mean, sure in the big cities they'll have a display show but fireworks are illegal here to begin with but since it has to do with their beliefs, they get away with the noisy ones).
anywho, the lion performs doing a dance and stunts then he will take a melon/oranges and crouch down to prepare it, then he lifts up and pushes it out for the head of the house to receive. after that the family will have the lion come through the home to brush it's paw on tables/beds etc. to bless it. companies/schools will have celebrations too and hire the lion to come perform. this was a low key lion dance.. i really would love to see one of the famous lion dances with the dragon dances as well. (like in mulan!!?) ahah. i asked if they had any parades like that and nobody knew what i was talking about...
also, they give out red envelopes, also called hong bao (mandarin), which have money inside. they will hand them to the lion dance performers but it is tradition to give them to all who are unmarried. once you are married, you give one to your parents and then you must give to all who are unmarried.
oranges: these represent gold for their color and that they will bring wealth. so everyone is giving/getting mandarins. every business has them as well as every home. for the past two weeks i have had more mandarins than ever before in my life.
red, translates to: "prosperous" and it is everywhere. reason: suppose to ward off evil spirts and scare off bad fortune. but it also symbolizes virtue and sincerity.
gold: brings wealth and luck.
i know they gamble a lot during the new year so men will gather and play poker during the nights. one night we had six men over and they played well into the morning playing poker and TEXAS HOLD 'EM. i felt a fool for not knowing how to play... so i walked on the treadmill and read instead of sitting watching them play and chain smoke for hours.
i wish i had more to share about the new year... especially since it lasts so long. but i know that most of the chinese people around here even leave for quite a bit of the holiday to go home to the husband's parents home. so kuala lumpur was pretty quiet for a few days.
lastly, mcdonalds celebrates the chinese new year with selling a prosperity burger. i snapped a shot of the advertisement i saw promoting their double prosperity burger for y'all. they apparently do this every year with offering a "chicken" or "beef" burger. i'm not trying this food. sorry guys.

bad news barista.

let's do coffee.
geographical event.
i never realized this until malaysia.

america: i thought that meant, we're meeting up at a coffee shop (most likely starbucks) and we'll chat while sipping on beverages for a short while. then we go our seperate ways.
-no foods are forced.
-most the time women in america will split a pastry and blush at the deciding to get it.
-or they will reject it all together.
-hell, or you will buy yourself something and chow down on your own without any guilt... well maybe some guilt.
point is, the food aspect. that is your decision in america. your fate has not been set out before you. the decision lies in your hands, and you fear not offending anyone with whatever decision is made.

malaysia: that means people are coming over or we're going there.
we might have a meal first?
or some sort of food will be served. <<<that i guarantee.
you must receive the food.
eat.
you may, if your name is talley: slip it into your purse / toss it below the table / "accidentally" spill / sneak it onto another plate / below the plate / give dish quickly to maid / hide food with orange peel-- got caught on that one / sneak food onto child's plate / -or if you're a pro, spit into a napkin
(another thing, they never have napkins?)
then coffee or tea will be offered.

let's expand on this shall we.

they all drink instant coffee?!!?!??!!!!
questioned it.
pushed it away.
fought it.
then hesitantly slurpped.
began to drink it.
dealt with it.
slowly requested it.
now i make it...

this upsets me to think about. i miss coffee. real coffee. i want nothing more than to grind some beans and steam some milk (not weird cardboard box milk either might i add, i want my organic cold horizon milk or i'd take braums but not this. not this room temperature wanna be milk nonsense).
i want a venti casi cielo coffee with one inch of 180 degree foamy whole milk with cinnamon on top.
fedex me one please. thanks.

back to the explanation of this event:
so when they bring out your coffee- it will have a teaspoon in it, because you have to stir it since it is made with instant coffee crystals...
they all put sugar in it and rarely ever do they put milk.
this always calls for trouble for me: i never put sugar in coffee.
if anything, i'd accept milk in it. i had them take my coffee back twice now due to sugar.
i can't and i won't do it. i'm not that polite. it's icky to my tongue. sorry world.
if they put milk, it is the box milk. which is most often soy.
then they bring some sort of crazy dessert that i hesitate to put in my mouth
--for those of y'all that don't know me well.. i'm not a dessert person to begin with, then these desserts.. they are hmmm, interesting one would politely state. maybe it is my poor dessert palate? i'll take that.
if i'm lucky, i get fresh fruit. this, now this i live for.
yummy fresh fruit in my tummy.
until they make me finish the plate so none goes to waste...
then it takes away from the beauty.
this hasn't happened but a couple times,
so don't view it negatively. just know, it can happen.

that is coffee talk.

answers to questions.

ahah, mom. thanks, i do enjoy writing. i'm gonna try and answer all your questions. here i go.
1. the marshmallow hidden camera would end up in a monkeys belly and i'd probably end up in jail? ahah, i don't know if it is legal or not to feed them? i play everything safe here. i prefer to not get in trouble. they have double standards. but doesn't everywhere?
2. i will work on picture snapin' and postin' for you and everyone else. i took a ton of photos at the beginning then i stopped. question mark.
3. we went for coffee at that home... we do that everywhere. i was actually getting online to post about "coffee" so, i'll do that next. therefore, refer to my post for further explanation.
4. i am still in love with their home. felt i should state that.
5. due to the chinese new year, i am still not informed of anything. i have no solid answers. i am taking my days as they are given to me. the most i know of the future is what may come in the next ten minutes. i'm having a difficult time with this. i love plans. i love knowing the future, or at least feeling that i have a grasp on what is to come. for the first time in my life i am having to accept that i have no real control of the future. i have given it all to the Lord. may his will be done with my days here and furthermore, my life.
6. as soon as i have a solid address i will do a "hallelujah hannah" (mallory, remember her???!) dance then post some information for y'all.
7. i'm not missing y'alls weather. not one bit.
8. my favorite number.
9. current weather outside my window: storm galore. thunder that will jolt you to your toes. i'm into it. i am sitting backwards on the bed to face the windows where i am able to watch the sky pour itself out so much that the grass can't drink it quick enough.